A Different Kind of Loss
- Corey Minor Smith
- 25 minutes ago
- 3 min read
I miss my mom.
Not because she’s gone—she’s still alive. But untreated schizophrenia has taken her from me in ways that words can barely capture. It has stolen her beautiful dimples, her gentle presence, her ability to share loving memories and create new ones. It has taken the simple, everyday interactions that most daughters take for granted.
As a teen, I didn’t understand why my mom seemed so far away even when she was sitting right next to me. I didn’t have the words for it then, but now I know: schizophrenia built an invisible wall between us. Untreated schizophrenia is a reinforced concrete wall that no amount of love can tear down. I grew up longing for conversations that never happened, hugs that never came, and guidance that I desperately needed but couldn’t get.
This is what ambiguous loss feels like to me—mourning my mom who is still alive. There’s no funeral, no closure, no societal rituals to help you process the loss. People don’t always understand. They say, “At least she’s still here.” But what does “here” mean when her mind is somewhere else, lost in a world I can’t reach?
I grieve the mom I never truly had. I grieve the memories we never made. I grieve the love that severe mental illness locked away. And yet, I love her deeply. That love is complicated, layered with pain and hope. Hope that one day, somehow, she might come back to me—longer than zeptoseconds of lucidity.
Where I First Learned About Ambiguous Loss
I first learned the term through a Treatment Advocacy Center webinar, where Jerri Clark described how severe mental illness can create a “gone but not gone” effect—your loved one remains physically present, but psychologically absent. That framing gave language to my grief and connected me to others on this journey.
What Is Ambiguous Loss?
Ambiguous loss lacks clarity and closure. It commonly occurs in cases of severe mental illness, dementia, addiction, or a traumatic brain injury. This type of loss is confusing because the person hasn’t truly gone, yet the essence of the relationship has significantly changed.
How to Cope With Ambiguous Loss
Living with the grief associated with ambiguous loss is complicated, but managing the grief is possible. Here are my strategies:
1. Prioritize Mental and Physical Health
Rest without guilt, eat consciously, and embrace wellness practices like journaling or mindfulness. Self-first is not selfish.
2. Build and Maintain Support
Participate in communities that understand severe mental illness and ambiguous loss—whether through Treatment Advocacy Center webinars, therapy, Corey Empowers workshops, or NAMI's Family to Family course.
3. Educate Yourself About Mental Illness
Learn about schizophrenia and treatment options to empower your advocacy. Knowledge reduces fear and stigma.
4. Create Joyful Moments
Small time outs—music, dancing, delicious meals, or looking through photos—can help maintain connection and spark a sense of peace.
5. Set Healthy Boundaries
Protect your emotional energy while still showing compassion. Boundaries are an act of love for both you and your loved one.
6. Transform Pain Into Power
Use your experience to advocate for mental health awareness, share your story, or support others navigating similar challenges.
Resources
• Treatment Advocacy Center treatmentadvocacycenter.org
• NAMI nami.org
• Mental Health America mhanational.org
• National Shattering Silence Coalition https://www.nationalshatteringsilencecoalition.org/
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